Thursday, July 31, 2014

Hurt and feeling broken

            Emotionally drained, and creatively crippled. It’s the best way to describe how I feel about now. It seems no matter what I try to do, no matter how patient I wait or understanding I am, I cannot feel any less than taken advantage of. I know and understand life happens, I live it too! And yet when one thing after another occurs beyond my control, I cannot help but feel helpless.

            In truth, I have had a quarter of my yearly income sink into my book for purposes of making it a better story, to have it become something more than I couldn’t bring it to be. Promise after promise was made, and I understood, I didn’t mind waiting a few weeks more, a few months more. Yet, when it comes down to the wire, when it was PROMISED to be completely… I felt betrayed.

            GREATLY betrayed.

            Did I not give enough notice? Was this all my doing?

            How could someone who has a book for nearly a year not have it ready?

            Am I nothing more than an unknown author, whose project could wait another day as other, more established authors get their work completed? Did they even really start on this project or was this a back burner deal? Was it because I had no choice but to pay in installments, and yet still worked my ass off to get the money to them as fast as I could with the sense that my work would be treated the same way?

            It has become a harsh lesson and experience for me. Whether or not I will be requiring this editor’s services again will depend on the book itself when it finally returns to my hands and I see a difference in it since sending it on its way. I have come close to breaking down in tears, for those who know me, it’s not something I do. Yet time and time again, I have come close. Even as I write this I can feel the tears welding in my eyes.

            Over 14 years of work, 14 years of my life has gone into that single book, that one piece of work. I only feel denied to have it.

            I cannot hold any negativity in this, it does me no good or anyone else. I will not go on and smear the name of the editor I hired. As I said, life happens and I do not hold it against them.

            I only wished that they didn’t constantly get my hopes up, make me promises not even they could keep. If they had too many project to do, I would have understood instead of preparing to have books ready for this single event I plan for months in advance.

             I have great intent on going to a local comic con this year with the book in hand to gain hopefully some sort of interest. I don’t even know if it will happen anymore. There are people I admired who never come to Canada, and yet they are here for the first time in ten years or so doing public appearances. The one time I have to give them a book as a thank you for the inspiration, the years of creativity and for being an unlikely muse.

            I may never get another chance like this.

            It was the whole reason I took time off of work, despite my hours no longer being there. It’s the reason why I paid the extra money to go for a day or two more in hopes of seeing everyone I wanted to see and giving my thanks. It is the one place I have on making connections and hope to farther my book for the better.

            I need a miracle.

            Simple as that.