Saturday, January 30, 2016

What is there to say?

Perhaps those who do read this will forgive my absence.

At the moment, I am going through a hell that I wouldn't wish upon anyone.

For a while, my dad hadn't been himself. It started this past summer. Ironically when I posted my last blog when he pulled something in his back, or so he said. For a while my family an I assumed it was just a stain in his back and it would go away. Problem was, it didn't. Then a small growth began to appear. For a while I would tell him he may want to have it looked at, but he insisted it was nothing. Perhaps a pimple or ingrown hair of sorts.
It didn't go away.
Instead he did go to a doctor and thought it was a cyst of some sort. He had it drained once and felt better.
Until it started to grow.

Long story short, what was on his back was a rare form of cancer. The doctors we spoke with don't have a clue as to what it was or how to really deal with it. From there, my dad wasn't getting any better. Now, he isn't getting any better. In fact it seems a plague has been casted upon him. He has cancer in his back and lungs, he was on radiation but had to stop since it caused him to develop a heart problem. He's been battling a rash that has no end, let alone not meaning. The hospital he is in is not doing him any favours.

I have reached a point where I want to yell, scream and cry all at once. Sometimes I think and silently hope there was someone stupid enough to try and give me a hard time or mess with me so much that I have to throw a punch.

I want to get this anger out of me. I want to express everything I have contained and held in my body and mind for so long. Yet find myself unable to.

Normally I am not one to cry, since I was young, I considered it a weakness. After all, I grew up getting bullied by people, and their one goal in which they never succeeded was to get me to cry. Any sort of tears would be their victory and kindling to do it all again before a larger crowd. They never succeed, they did however make me cold to the emotions of it. I've gotten to a point where I no longer can control it. I can't anymore.
It's hard to keep it together, especially at work. Today I had one of those days where I felt I couldn't be there. I managed to get through a few hours, thankfully one of my coworkers stepped up to help me when I needed it.

God, I don't ever want to feel this way. But there's no choice but to. I feel so helpless and powerless against this force called life. I want my dad to be with me far longer than this grim outlook I have right now. I don't know if I will get my wish, I don't know how much longer I have my dad for.

Since then, my writing has been on the back burner. It appears even my own characters and concepts understand that I don't really want to write their story now, not with what's going on. As much as I want to, I can't bring myself to write.

All I know is this, my father will live on in my books. One of my characters I proudly based off of me. My personality, but she is everything I wish I could be and become. A strong, proud woman who despite the fights she had to endure, she overcame them.

There is no one else I know in this world that is as strong as my father, besides of course my mother who has been at his side through and through. The fact that my dad endured months of being in pain, yet never let on to the family that he was. a few months ago I had to call an ambulance for him since he had trouble breathing. They gave him a pill to stop his heart so they could restart it again.
It didn't work, his heart never stopped.

I made him laugh when he came home after that incident, proudly stating. "Chuck Norris can suck it compared to you!"

Serious, Chuck Norris, you can suck it compared to my dad!

I do little things to make him laugh, even smile. My dad is stern and doesn't really allow himself to laugh, but when you catch him off guard and get him to, it's a moment you savour. You also enjoy the moment with him too.

I promise, I will try and do better with this blog. Please understand though from here until farther notice, my family will be coming first.